Today

Today is the day, three years ago, that I went through my second (and last) D&C. It was our second pregnancy, second miscarriage, second procedure. Three whole years.

It's strange. I don't often think about the losses anymore. Cory and I have relived the memories so many times that we don't often talk about them anymore either. And it is rare that a sound or a smell or a sight jogs a memory and unleashes the emotions from that dark time in our lives.

We don't celebrate or not celebrate the days when we became pregnant or when we lost the pregnancies or when the operations occurred. They are just days that I recorded. I scrapbooked my journal entries from those two two-month periods, and whatever photos I had, so that I could get through the depression and move on.

And for the most part, I have moved on. And we now have a beautiful baby boy who was meant to be and who I wouldn't change for ANYTHING else in the entire world. He is perfect. And our family is forever.

But sometimes, every so often, when I look at our calendar to remind myself of upcoming birthdays or special occasions, I see my notes about Sesame Seed and Little Love and I turn my thoughts back to all the feelings that engulfed me when finding out we were expecting, and then finding out we were not. I rarely reread my journal entries for these two lost souls, but when I do happen to look back at the first lines, the tears start to roll and the throat starts to burn.

It is amazing how the human spirit carries on. These things were hard, but they are nothing in comparison to what some people live through. Despite everything, everything, that has happened over the course of the last few years, the ups and downs of everything, I am happy. I have a marriage that is healthy and strong. I have a gorgeous boy who lights up my life and makes me a better person. I have family members who think about me and miss me. I find security and contentment in my job. I have friends who care about me. I have my health. I have choices in this life. I am lucky.

Today is the day, three years ago, that I thought the world had ended. But, it didn't. I am here. We are here, a little family of three, pushing on, just like all other families who go through the highs and the lows of life.

I suppose it just feels reassuring to know that out of darkness, enlightening things burst outward. That out of loss comes gain. And we move forward. And it's okay to look back, but not dwell for too long. And just to be thankful.